Sunday, 19 August 2018

On Letting Go.

Time Check: 2:50am (because jet lag and internal noise).

Every day, I want my seconds to be used on purpose. I want my moments to count. I desire focus and precision. My heart yearns for more. To be more, and for my experiences to amplify the grace of God deposited and moving inside of me. I'm at the point where normal is not enough or fascinating. I don't like average responses or conversations, normal biddings and dealings. I'm intrigued by grandeur and abnormal. Predictability has become repulsive. There is too much wonder in God, and so if I am in His image wonder should have free course in my realities and my expressions. "God thunders wondrously with His voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend."--Job 37:5

He called me by name, and chose me. That's big! He gets surprised by the fact that I'm still where I am and why I have not released myself to the elevation He has faithfully promised. When your mind is a barrier, and external factors have a hold on you, your progress will be limited by externalities, and you will be controlled largely by the boundaries they define. However, there is a freedom that comes from releasing yourself from limitations within and without and soaring naturally because there are no weights holding you to the ground or keeping you from accessing more. There are decades of constructs and paradigms that have become a familiar place in the mental that quiets down every possibility of that bigness on the inside and the comfortable excuse, but they must be deconstructed to rebuild and represent. There are battle lines that mediocrity has drawn and waged war on the possibility of excellence. There are boundaries. There are limits and there is stagnation.

The holds present within me must be lifted. They are no longer needed nor necessary for me. I don't need the convenience of what has been familiar as I desire new ground. There is a place my ideal self must go, that I must give the old self an eviction--and maybe even a burial because, death. Death to the old ways of thinking and excusing. Death to every limitation I set for myself consciously and ignorantly. Death to saying, "No!" when greatness beckons. Death to swinging and swaying left to right without much of an elevation or even progress in whatever form. Death to normalcy and familiar. Death to superficiality when there is too much authenticity in life, love, other mysteries and the in-betweens. Death to the past. The old me doesn't live here anymore. This is goodbye.

"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me. I do not treat the grace of God as meaningless. For if keeping the law could make us right with God, then there was no need for Christ to die."-Galatians 2:20

I'm falling forward-into You. Into the faithful arms of He who saw good in me to keep trusting me with consecutive 24hrs to get it right even though I failed massively. I'm falling forward and letting go of who I thought I needed to be for everyone else (or who I needed to be for everyone else to remain comfortable) at the expense of destiny. I'm falling forward and reaching out to heaven to lift me and make the clouds soft pillows for me to rest my head on and common ground.

This is me Lord, vulnerable and open. I'm still committed to getting this life-thing right. Like the potter, make and break me. Break and deconstruct me if you're not satisfied with my outcome. I understand the weight of this prayer and the discomfort it brings and I am willing to go through and grow through it all. Make me again into your very image. The one you saw before you placed me in the safety of my mother's womb.

I will be fully surrendered (for real) and resting at your feet. Do with me as you will. This is permission. This is consent.


Time Check: 3:24am

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